how to eat cock sauce

January 15, 2012

I want to open this post by pointing out that it was originally titled “Boiled Doughy Buttholes Stuffed Hard with Cock Sauce,” but we decided our titles might be, potentially, edging on ridiculous. Maybe.

That being said, today we’re making a simple, yet wholly satisfying Sriracha breakfast, one which makes its way onto our table at least thrice a week: Bagels with Sriracha Cream Cheese. We start with a quick trip to the garden for some fresh produce.

garden tomato

“Bitch!” cried Sarah, “Don’t be gettin’ fresh with me!”

Then take your produce (in this case, tomato and avo) and cut the shit out of it.

tomato avo knife

Soon after taking the picture above, I found Sarah, covered in tomato and avocado, sitting in the shower fully clothed and weeping, still clutching the blade.

Once you’ve got your topping(s) of choice laid out, toast up your bagel(s) and spread some cream cheese on there. We recommend a savory bagel, maybe an onion or sesame seed. We don’t have a photo of bagels toasting, because if you have a kitchen, we think it safe to assume you’ve toasted something before.

Once you’re all cheesed up, add Sriracha.

Option A: Drop the Baby

Now, I like to drip my Sriracha on, and leave the droplets where they fall. Sarah, however, spreads her Sriracha into the cream cheese. The droplets are more intense bite by bite, but the spread gives a more even flavor. That being said, one could always do the spread, and then drench the finished product in Sriracha. Your call.

Why no one has started mass producing Sriracha cream cheese is beyond us.

Option B: Spread the Legs

Finally, add your toppings of choice.

finished bagel tomas style

Meet Tomas Jr.

finished bagel by sarah

& Sarah II.

They were our beautiful bagel angel babies. AND THEN WE ATE THEM! NOM NOM NOM!

And they were fucking delicious. 10 cocks, hands down. We’ve been a little nervous about setting our high mark, but we’ve eaten this more times than we care to count, and it satisfies each and every time. It’s amazing. The bagel practically smokes a cigarette when it finishes with you.

10 Cocks

January 6, 2012

Sweet Cock Cream (Sriracha Ice Cream)

And now, for something completely different.

As you have likely deduced from the title of this here post (you Sherlock, you), today we’re preparing our first dessert: Sriracha Ice Cream. It’s a relatively simple business; the only specialty item required is, of course, an ice cream maker. However, the recipe, from Mama Mill’s ice cream maker book, is refreshingly straightforward:

1 Cup Whole Milk (well chilled)

3/4 Cup Granulated Sugar

2 Cups Heavy Cream (well chilled)

1 to 2 Teaspoons Pure Vanilla Extract (to taste)

1 to 2 Healthy Splurts of Sriracha.

The troops assemble for battle.

In a medium bowl, use a handmixellator or a whisk to combine the milk and granulated sugar until the sugar has dissolved. Stir in the heavy cream and vanilla to taste.

“I can see!” cried Mama Mill, ”It’s a miracle!” mysteriously quoting 90’s classic Fern Gully.

squirting sriracha

Turn the ice cream maker on, pour in mixture, and mix until mixed (25-30 minutes).

scooping

“That’s some sweet cock,” said Mama Mill, “How ‘bout we call it Frozen Cock? We could make Cocksicles! I’m on a roll.”

Transfer into a container and freeze until it feels good.

sriracha ice cream

“Whenever I see shaved chocolate like that,” said Sarah, “I always think it’s laxative chocolate, like in Iron Giant.” Little did she know…

Our Findings:

When it first hits your tongue, the taste is sweet, and predominantly vanilla in flavor. Very little of the sharpness in Sriracha survives the cream and milk. However, the second that creamy load hits the back of your throat is another story entirely. What the ice cream does retain is all of the red rooster’s signature kick. With each passing bite, the heat intensifies. The end result is that once you’ve finished your bowl of ice cream, you really just want another bowl of ice cream.

Had this been presented with a second, plain vanilla scoop, or atop a piece of cake, or maybe with a cookie; anything to balance the heat, it might have been more enjoyable, possibly even a 10. But, on its own, it was simply too weird.

Thus, we give this 6 cocks. However, if you want to try out the recipe with something to balance the ice cream, you might have better results.

11:54pm

(Notes: 11)

Filed under: sriracha sriracha sauce rooster sauce cock sauce hot sauce spicy sweet dessert weird food recipe chocolate sugar cream fusion food photography food porn

December 26, 2011

Creamy Sriracha & Garlic Mashed Potatoes

This sultry dish, known more formally as “Mashing Cock Sauce in the Creamy Taters,” is a simple, yet mouth watering twist on an American classic.

Rather than winging it and swinging our dicks around in the kitchen, we decided to adapt this delish looking Creamy Garlic Mashed Potato Recipe from blogger extraordinaire Ali Does It.

And so it begins.

Peel the potatoes as you see fit. We chose the middle ground of peeling most of the skin off while leaving a bit for style. Peel or no peel, at least get those icky eyes out of there.

Then, wash ‘em and slaughter ‘em.

cubed potatoes

Now, here we realized that we probably should have brought the water to boil with the potatoes in it. However, we both forgot. So, I had to go about the rather unpleasant business of dropping the potatoes in a handful at a time. Tomas, ever the gentleman, stood back and watched as my hands burned.

Boil the taters til you can stick a fork through the bigums, then put them in a bowl and mash ‘em with a mashin’ tool (add a dash of whole milk if they seem dry).

Now for the hot part. One reason we chose to cook Ali’s recipe was her use of cream cheese to make the potatoes, well, creamy. Most Cock Sauce junkies know that Sriracha plus cream cheese equals the heroin of condiment concoctions (and can result in a state of withdrawal just as, if not more severe). Therefore, the cream cheese seemed like the perfect spot to insert our Cock Sauce.

sriracha drip

Stir that cheese. Stir it like your life depends on it. Whip it if you need to. That cream cheese has been bad and it needs some discipline.

Next, roll up some basil like a joint and slice from one end to the other, as shown. It tastes better if you grow your own basil (my mom has a pot in the kitchen window and a few outside), but any old basil will do.

cutting basil

Grab or mince plenty of garlic. A tub of minced garlic is like milk in my family’s fridge - always in stock. And there’s nothing like a tall glass of minced garlic with a cookie for a late night snack.

“Add in lots of butter,” says Ali, ” More than you think sane.”

Generously salt, delicately pepper.

Then you should have a mixing bowl that looks something like this:

mixings in the bowl

Look at all that vascular lubricant. Don’t worry, your heart needs the exercise.

Mix. Admire. Eat. (We gorged. We can’t show you pictures of that though. It’s simply too appalling.)

sriracha mashed potatoes

Our Findings:

This recipe really brings out the heat in the Sriracha. That sweet flavor of the sauce melds into the minced garlic and the cream, such that you taste it less on your tongue than you feel it in your sinuses and throat. But, simply throw on an added dash (to taste, as shown above) and you can up the cock sauce quotient to your heart’s content.

The potatoes were rich and creamy (how could they not be?), and the added Sriracha gave them just the right amount of kick. All in all, we give this a solid 9 cocks.

Hindsight: A few chopped Thai peppers from the garden would have been awesome mixed into each bite. We neglected this addition, but you don’t have to. Try it out and let us know how it tastes!

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